Jokes

2


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? 

-

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.


3


Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."


Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"


Doctor: "Nine."


4


A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”


The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”



5


 Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?


My name is Paul.



6


My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.



7


What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

-

Snowballs.


 

8


Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"


Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"


Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"


Patrick: "What school?"


9


"Mom, where do tampons go?"


"Where the babies come from, darling."


"In the stork?"


11


Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”


The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”


Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”


Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.” 



12


Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

 

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

 

Doctor: “Every two hours.”



13


Sleep with an open window tonight! 


1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this. 


One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.


14


 “My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”

-

“Oh is she an alcoholic?”

-

“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”



15


I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.

 

I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.



16

 

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!



17


A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

 

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“



18

 

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”


Patient: “Does sex count?”


Doctor: “Yes.”


Patient: “Then no.”


19


Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…


What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!